I'll take the truth at any cost.

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Learning to Breathe // Switchfoot

I’ve always been a romantic.  The kind of romantic that searches for meaning in everything. The kind of romantic that sees how everything is connected.  The kind of romantic that knew when certain people were like kisses from Heaven.  

But, I’ve also been the kind of person that, because I feel things so deeply, berates myself for not handling things in the “perfect” way.  When I get angry, I get more angry at myself for getting angry in the first place.  When I mess up, when i say mean things, when i hide myself away, when i turn off my love, I look back on the entire situation as a failure.  Sometimes I fail to see the highlights or the good that can still come.
Sometimes I look back at an entire year and label it shit.
Sometimes I look back at an entire relationship and label it a waste of my time and energy.
Sometimes I think that that last time that i “learned to breathe” should’ve been the end-all.  I should’ve learned for the last time. I should’ve learned to handle that situation differently.  I should’ve gotten pummeled down to the ground for the last time — and the victorious rise should’ve been where I stay and live and reside for always.
I don’t give myself a lot of grace.  So, sometimes, when I need that moment of learning to breathe again, I need to give it to myself.
In fact, wasn’t I the one that told Holy Spirit that I was still up for the undoing?  Wasn’t I the one that advises others to value the process? 
I know better.
I know the process doesn’t look like one specific way and time.
It’s ever-changing, evolving, fluid … 
Who was it that said something along the lines of — get knocked down seven times, but get up 8 … 
Who knows which count I’m on now?
But, learning to breathe : Part 5,000
I’m on it.